|
[
April 16th, 2008 ï 10:08am
] |
|
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH Fuck fuck fuck All I want is to look normal, to wear t shirts, to not have this constant reminder of the fucking poisonous disease I am. And now the doctor tells me he doesn't know if anything can be done for my scarring, and he'd have to refer me to a plastic surgeon, and I have to have been free for another six months. fuck you roby. Look what the fuck you've done to yourself. Die. Die. Die. All you acn do is malfunction. All you do is poison people. Poison yourself. You're so fuckign horrible. Die.
|
|
[
April 2nd, 2008 ï 8:30pm
] |
Oh God!
*Cross posted to RYL*
I've just realised I've ran out of diazepam, I thought I had another packet, my Mum's gone out and I don't know what to do. I'm on 12mg a day, (4mg 3 x daily) and today I've only had about 2mg, this morning, because I thought the other packet was at home and I odn't know what to do. I've only been taking 8mg lately because it makes me so tired. I won't like have severe withdrawal will I? My doctor mentioned seizures if I stopped taking it suddenly. I don't know hwat to do, I don't want to bother the crisis line, I already had to bother the duty doctor the other day because I had run out (not my fault that time my gp hadn't received the fax with my new meds for a week).
What do I do? I don't want to bother anyone. I have timazepam (I take that 20mg for sleep) will that be ok instead? What do I do?
Update:
I've rung NHS direct.. They're getting back to me within 20 minutes. They took me phone number and post code, what if they call teh police on me? Oh my God!
|
| I'm not a fucking dog alright? |
[
March 26th, 2008 ï 6:16pm
] |
|
Some stuff has been going on at school, and it's reached boiling point and I am so angry, and so caged and crap and everything I want to cut/burn. But I can't. I'm going to the oxbridge entry evening this afternoon, not a&e, I have the millionth ot assessment this time with a doctor (not a nurse/therapist) to try and persuade people to let me do a part time job. I have to think about my future.
I've split. I know I've split, or whatever it's called. You know when you go from hero worship to hate hate hate. It's the BPD, nuh uh! It's me! It's life! It's her! It's not my illness, it's bloody justified with what's happening.
I hate everyone! (Except you lot).
It's true, I am really unconfident and a social reject in school, so I follow one of my friends around like a dog, and my other friend was asking me if I was ok at the party the other day, and friend 1 (who I have admitted to hero worshipping) interrupted me (and it wasn't like I needed help) and patted me and said 'oh no she just likes to follow me around' and I think, but I can't remember to be sure (it's pretty audacious) that she added 'like my dog' or something like that.
I didn't do anything. She's already asked meto give her some space, which I've been trying to do but now I just don't want to see her ever again and I'm so fucking angry.
I feel like I'm always being manipulated, conditioned, I always have my head up someone's arse. I wish I could be confident. I wish I could be arsey and in control like I was at Aquarius (hah, yeah I know). But there I strutted around and acted like I owned the place. I was horrible. I wasn't happy. But feeling so insecure and unconfdent, is worse. And friend 1 then shouted out in class 'omgdo you need to take your medication' and likea load of people looked at me.
aRGH!
I talked to another friend (who hates friend 1) who stopped talking to herbecause she felt like shehad become friend 1'sproject.
I am fed up with being the dog. I need to do something. I feel running around in shorts and t-shirt so that I can show people t hat no matter what shit they think about me, of me, what shit they do to me (referring to Andy, and the people at St Andrews/aquarius) I am in control, because I can hurt myself so much more and I can make myself suffer so much more. It's a way of being in control of my suffering. But no, if I want to get anywhere, and if I want to pass any assessments, I have to rise above that, not cut, not go mad, I just want to get my sense of self back. I hate everything
How do I start being me in real life? How do I start acting myself? How do I become confident at school?
|
|
[
March 21st, 2008 ï 11:45pm
] |
|
New Journal, new era (let's hope).
I got all hopeful after reading Revelations 25 (or was it 22) that at 3 o clock (It's Good Friday, you know how attached I am to the whole 'My God, My God, why have you foresaken me" thing) that like the dead would walk the earth again and I'd see my Dad, but alas, nothing. It's now about 5 months 2 weeks since he died.
Managed to read a substantial amount today. Over the past three years of being in hospital I can only remember being able to read Midsummernight's dream, Harry Potter, and one or two books on self harm/ mental illness. I've been looking for inspiring heroines in series to read, and Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead provided just this. It's really amazing to be living again. And yeah, it does feel like I've been in a coffin the last few years.
I have Sweeney Todd 'A Little Priest' in my head.
I got to have some of my notes (the last year and a half, all that's on computer). Several amusing things, one Dan (my old psychiatrist remember) wrote:
"How is she?
;
"Alive.""
I found out stuff about me being on 'red' alert. About people describing normal quirky habits (like poking people) as if they severe crazy things. Oh, my old social worker was gathering all this evidence for her little 'psychosis' label she wanted to plant on me. Thank God she's gone. (Stuff about mechanical movement and voice).
Awful stuff in it too, about how fucking awful and horrible and wasteful and nasty I was.
Going to go back to my book.
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
| | |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
twilightreborn's journal